I go through a lot of shoes. By “a lot of shoes” I mean specifically “a lot of Puma Tazon 6 cross trainers size eleven and a half”.  There’s nothing that can derail my quest for happiness like the dreaded unwanted foot injury. The kind of injury where it hurts to walk around like a normal person. It could sideline me for weeks at a time, exponentially adding more daily grumpiness to my already grumpy disposition.

The only way I’ve found to prevent chronic foot injuries is to change my shoes the moment I start to feel any foot discomfort, which happens to be about every 10 weeks. I always get the same shoe, The Puma Tazon 6. What a cool name for a shoe, by the way! Tazon 6 sounds like the type of shoe a superhero might wear.

I’m never quite sure what to do with them once they are used up. The last year and a half or so I’ve just been piling them in a corner of the laundry room. I’m not collecting them or anything. The massive shoe pile is a direct result of my indecision.

What am I supposed to do with all these shoes?

I have a stupid fantasy in my head where I righteously donate them to kids in need. This thought helps me maintain my self-created illusion of being a good human being. This shoe fantasy is unrealistic, however. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is so desperate for shoes that they are going to want these shoes. These are used up and they smell like rotten moldy spaghetti.

They smell real bad, especially in pile format.

Today is the day I got rid of them. I put them in a trash bag and put them in the trash can. Because that’s what they are, trash. I do feel a little bad about this. Maybe there is a way to recycle them or something. I don’t know. I didn’t bother to look that up. I didn’t want to risk going down a shoe path that leads me to hold on to these stinky beasts for any longer.

Here is what my new shoes look like.

Why two pairs you ask?

This time around I’m going to do my best to keep the shoe smells at a more reasonable level. Part of this will be not wearing the same pair of shoes on consecutive days. I’ll drown the pair I’m not wearing that day with baking powder and wait for them to dry out before I wear them the following day. What a plan! Let’s hope it works.

Why are both pairs of your shoes red you ask?

Because wearing red shoes is my new thing, dummy! It’s just something I’m going to do now… or at least it’s something I’m going to do until I forget it’s a thing that I wanted to do. Which will most likely be sometime between now and the next time I buy shoes.

I will leave you with my favorite shoe-related sketch from Mr. Show.